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Quotes (Yes, these they really said these things.)

SALTY O

"Your face looks like a dog's cunt."

"I like you and all but I can't stay. America needs me." (said to a Canadian before departing Vancouver)

"Watch when I get home lightning will have struck my Sega Dreamcast.That will be the straw that broke the camels back and Ill have to plunge myself off my roof to my doom."

"As long as there is some form of vaginal stimulation they like it."

"Fantansome." -(Fantastic and Handsome) (describing himself)

"Did you ever have a girl moan while sucking your cock? No? Well I request it."

"Has anyone seen a pack of Marlboro Lights gone MIA? Peabody since you're straight edge and all can you lend a hand and find them?"

"Man I wish Peabody was here, he's straight edge. He knows everything" (while lost in New York City)

"This week I'm gonna bring a 35 year old home and next week it's gonna be a 40 year old."

"There's no shame in dressing like a guido to get chicks, it's just like Halloween."

"There's a small child drowning in your vagina that needs immediate resuscitation!" (out loud to a very good looking female at a goth bar)

"There is something so white trash about a home Rangers' jersey."

Salty: "That girl looks just like Chris Farley."

Eugene: "Yeah I'm waiting for her to fall through a table or something" (outside of Acme Underground after finding out Milemarker hasn't showed for their CMJ appearance)

"I just want to tie my penis to my belt with a shoestring or tape it to my stomach so it doesn't bother me when I wear my tighty whiteys."

"I'm quitting smoking to save up for a hi-def television."

Stubbone (to Salty): Are you gonna throw up?

Salty: Maybe. It is the first of the month.

"I'm gonna walk out of there like an 8 year old at Yankee Stadium for the first time. I wish I brought my credit card." (about the Cradle of Filth show)

"That was like a 60's urinated on nightmare." (about Eugene's old apartment with The Beagle above Rotten Toof's house)

"Coffee keeps the senses keen."

SKYLER PEABODY

"There won't be another video. I'm going big time. No more running around Long Island filming kids falling off their skateboards and people getting wasted. That's so three years ago." (shortly before throwing his film equipment and record collection in his car and driving to Hollywood)

"Fuck LA" (after driving back to LA one year later after his relocation)

"I'll eat her candy basket."

"I could take two of them but not seven with a boom box" (about hoods while wandering Skid Row with the Shepherd and Dutch Oven)

"Remember all girls are tramps until proven otherwise."

"In the name of your mouth, your box and your ass, I fornicate thee." (to a girl at a party)

Old Man to Peabody as his leg is covered in blood and he continues to skateboard:
"You need some medical attention, I'm 74 years old. Don't you want to live to be as old as me one day?"
Peabody: "I certainly hope not!"

"You can never be too careful, just when you think you're safe they will feed you your heart cooked in a bedpan."
(Said on Thanksgiving about girls)

"Don't ever pass out in The Hessian's room-he'll brown derby you!"

"My tongue is longer than my cock"

"Oh would you please change your face!" (to an ugly girl)

"Great. They went an put a smoking dildo in my path." (while driving the hazrdous streets of New York City regarding construction vents)

"All I want to do is lick some Kool Aid mix off my palm."

"I may not be anatomically correct-but I look anorexically correct."

"There's nothing good here-an egg beater? What good is that? She's a vegan. Her dirty laundry is here-you wanna sniff her panties?"
(to The Duke while rumaging through a guest's belongings who stayed at their house)

"Why aren't we going to Salty's, is he puppeteering his penis?"

"Number one party foul is gross asses in stretch pants."

"Happiness is being facedown in a nice box."

"Kissing me off is like breaking a mirror-7 years of bad luck."

EUGENE 'Jean Luc' MOUCHETTE

-Guido Girl in Bar: "Don't act like you're not interested."
Eugene: "Don't flatter yourself."

-"Good god....We're on the web! Lock up your daughters I'm gonna fuck 'em all now that I'm famous!"

-"I dont appreciate the art fag reference. I recommend you change it to "intellectual extrodinaire" or "film maker with some serious issues."

-"If things don't pick up for me soon I'm gonna become a daredevil and perform death defying stunts!" (one eveneing over a cup of joe at the Lindncrust Diner)

"Feel free to put my email address on the website contact list. All the cyber sluts can email me and i can meet them at coffee shops, and sniff them and rub up and down on them."

Eugene: "Can we pick up hitchhikers?
Hessian: "No, they might kill us."
Eugene: "Not if we kill them first..."

"I swear I'll make a tent out of 2 sticks and a garbage bag." (about camping)

"When I am behind the camera, my eye makes love to the diaptor. When I am in front of the camera the lens rapes me." (spoken in a French accent)

"Four days until 'All You Can Drink Tuesday' Five bucks ensures you a drunk girl's phone number and a full day's worth of the shits on Wednesday."

"I made three seperate batches of turkey terlet stew last night and I awoke this morning to a thunderous rumble in my pants so off to the shitter I go-Tally Ho."

"I had a 22. It's like a cough drop."

---

THE SELTZ

"I don't care if that was your fart that smelled like hot dogs before because it smelled good to me." (about Peabody's vapors)

"I haven't shit in days, I have to write myself a note to remind me to do so."

"l'm a bigger fan of them than the windbreaker." (on rawk chix)

"They can even be heffers as long as they are cool cause then I can get drunk and fuck them." (about getting new neigbors)

"I would listen to the Disturbed album for a week straight as long as I never had to hear THAT band again." (about another shitty band)

"I would like to just go and non-chalantly stick my hand up that girl's twat. It's just so inviting."

"It's not what it looks like." (7:48am- while holding his christmas present bottle of Jack Daniels)

"Life is hard-then shit blows up. I guess it's who you swim through the puddle of shit with."

"I don't take pictures, I take action."

"I'm not a pig, I'm just easy going."

"The way I look at it it is this; if I find mold on bread I just toast it. Since I don't have health insurance the mold is like getting a dose of penicillin so I'll never get sick."

"Sit on my face so I can eat my way to your heart"

"Put the beer in my mouth!"

"I'll suck your bush!" (To a gang of guidos hanging out in front of their cars on the avenue)

"When you make $8,000 a month..."

"Guidos got small dicks like cheetos."

"Ham hocks!"

"You never know, She might crap on yer junk."
"I wonder if they know how much they suck."( said about people on T.V.)
"I'm not saying anything anymore because it's all under oath"

"Hey they're tough ladies." (on porno chicks)

"Someone else can use the fuckin' spellcheck! I quit!" (after Peabody wrote a nasty email to him in regards to the maintenance of the website

"Saltine mutha fucka!"

"You smell like cigarettes and liquor, just like an 18 year old girl I wanna make out with." (said while had Duke Bastion in a headlock)

"In this land of sun and fun-we don't flush for number one."

"We don't need soap-we surf."

"She never upset me because she was such a slut."

"Yo if this was StreetFighter 2 You'd be Dead!"

"Fuck you Granny!" (said to old Lady in K-mart)

THE SHEPHERD
Shepherd: "Hey we can sit next to the hot blonde."
Peabody: "Yeah I thought about that but you know that shit never works for us." (while at a Hollywood bar)

"There isn't enough hot sauce in the world to get me to eat that ass."

"Have you ever been really stoned?"

"His body is so starved of nutrients it ate it's own cock." (about Peabody in his yum-yum jeans)

"Swapping between two boxes would be like taking the Pepsi challenge."

"Penis size doesn't really matter unless you're throwing a bannana down a hallway."